It's a new year, and that is cause for reflection and contemplation, an exercise I normally enjoy a great deal. This year, however, as I was driving through Middle-of-Nowhere, Missouri, on the final leg of our Big Holiday Vacation, I became very claustrophobic at the thought of reflecting and contemplating.
This thought struck me - my personal time-space continuum is very screwed up right now. I am having a hard time being because I don't have the time or space to be. This mess up a lot of things for me, including how I relate to God, how I think, process, and plan, and what kind of mood I'm in as I relate to my family.
I'm not complaining about this, just observing what is going on in my life right now.
I don't have a lot of time to be. Work, Vintage, family ... keep me very busy. There is not a lot of downtime, and there is not a lot rest in my life. My current pattern is to either drive mad and hard or to just sit and do nothing at all. There is very little in-between. And when I sit and do nothing, I feel very guilty for it since there is so much to do, driving mad and hard. Days, weeks, months, and even years are flying by at an alarming rate.
I don't have a lot of space to be. I used to have an office and a house big enough to get away and think. Now, I don't. Valiantly, Vanessa has tried to create spaces for me in our little place, but nothing has been a good fit for our lifestyle. Most of all, I think I miss my books. Which is a feeling that has probably just surfaced since so many of them are now soggy. They've been boxed up for years (!) now, and that's probably where they're going to stay. Where else would I put them?
So ... as I start 2009, I am thinking about how to manufacture more time and space for myself. I'm pretty sure that's the ticket to me being a better person in the new year.