In Praise of My Wife

It's Valentine's Day, and I am feeling all Valentiny. So I thought I would make a couple of comments about my valentine.

Vanessa constantly amazes me. She fascinates me and frustrates me like no one I've ever met. This is the 15th Valentine's Day since we met. And I remain as intrigued by her as I was back then.

She is the most resourceful person I know. And she may be the hardest working person I know too. She cares deeply about our kids and about people who are struggling, feeling weak and forgotten. I don't think I would use the word "sweet" to describe her, necessarily, but she has a level of true compassion that is rare.

She thinks I'm funny, which goes a long, long way with me. And she is genuinely amused by our kids. She gets the vast majority of the credit for how funny, polite, smart, and interesting they each are. When I came to the end of the Daily Audio Bible and listened again to the description of the "Proverbs 31" woman, I honestly couldn't help but think of Vanessa. So, today, I rise up to call her blessed.

But really, I'm the blessed one.

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The New Normal

I was going to entitle this post "A Return to Normalcy," but then I realized that I am not really returning to anything. The last three weeks have been exhausting, stressful, and crazy busy. I am glad they are over. The other night I forced myself to take the time to finish Supreme Courtship (I am so glad I did!), and when I finished it, I told Ness that I felt like I was getting my life back. Now that I've caught back up on my Daily Audio Bible, I feel even more that way. But things have changed. A lot. And so it's not so much a return to normalcy as a realization that I am now getting used to the new normal.

Vintage is different. New leadership structure. New location. We started the year with a series through Acts we called "Choose Your Own Adventure." I told everyone on Sunday that this is not the adventure I would have chosen. Sometimes - many times? - we don't really get to choose our adventure. Sometimes God chooses it for us. Or other people. And adventures have a lot of uncertainty - that's what makes them adventures, right? Well, I am now on one. My responsibilities have increased greatly. I am doing a lot more administrative stuff in addition to being back to preaching weekly. It's not more difficult, just different. A new normal.

Work is different. The busy season is over. We are now in the planning stages for the coming fiscal year. I've spent literal days on conference calls in recent weeks. Now, I've got to motivate my team in Fayetteville to involve themselves in the next phase of what we have to do. It's a little more boring, but it's ok. A new normal.

Family life feels different. The rush and bustle of back to school is over. I'm sure the rush and bustle of the holidays will be here before I know it. But for right now, we have just settled into the routine of fall. School. Football (which is almost over). A couple of Must See TV shows. Weekends. Family dinners at the table. It's the same as it has been, but it feels oddly comforting to be back into the humdrum of life. A new normal.

So, now that things are going to be normal again, I am going to be blogging more (returning to normalcy). I'm going to finally finish The Shack (a new normal, I suppose). I can't wait to get my small group going (another new normal). I hope some of you are still here to see (and read) the new normal in my life.

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The Long Walk

Throughout this year, I have been a part of an online community called the Daily Audio Bible. It is a podcast of Brian Hardin reading through the Bible with an accompanying website and message boards. DAB has been a part of my daily routine for half a year now.

Today, the DAB took part in a community event - the Long Walk. Everyone was encouraged to go somewhere beautiful and take a long walk with God. As soon as Brian suggested it on a podcast a few weeks ago, I knew I was going to participate. Something about taking a long walk connected with me. I think it has to do with Camp BaYouCa where I grew up hearing about "taking a walk in the woods with Jesus."

So that's exactly what I did today, heading out to walk the 5.5 mile trail around Lake Fayetteville.



I needed this time. It has been a long time since I took a long walk with God. I actually have wondered a lot lately whether or not God was out there. So, as I began to walk, I began to ask him if he was out there in the woods.

As I walked, I noticed the blue paint marking the trail. This reminded me of something one of the young men at Vintage shared in a service a few weeks ago. He talked about how walking with God is like walking on a marked trail. God reveals something to you and you follow that trail for a while. But before long, you begin to wonder if you're still going the right direction. It seems at just the right time, God reveals something new. It's like coming around the corner, seeing the blue paint, and knowing that you're still on the path.



It has been a while since God gave me a marked tree. Several years ago, he told me to start Vintage. And that is what I'll do until he tells me differently. As I walked, I thought about how tempting it can be to veer off course, to get distracted and drained by other things. But God didn't call me to Northwest Arkansas to be the greatest customer service manager in used textbook history. And he didn't call me here to have the nicest backyard. He called me here to start a new kind of church. So that's the path I am going to continue to walk, all the while looking for more blue paint to tell me I'm headed the right direction.



As I walked and thought, I found myself asking God if he was out there. Part of me felt kind of silly asking this question, knowing in good theological terms that God is everywhere and in me. Yet he's felt so very far away lately. So, I kept asking if he was there. I really wanted him to be. Desperately, really. And about that time, I came to two trees that were marked not with blue paint but with crosses.





Instantly, I had my answer. God was there. God is here.

Kind of hoping no bikers or runners were going to come down the trail at this very moment and leave me embarrassed in the woods, I lifted my hands, turned my eyes to the sky, and simply thanked God for being there, for showing up, for taking a long walk with me.



I kept walking. And as I walked, I thought about the last time God spoke to me. I am not a very spooky-spirituality kind of guy who hears (or even wants to hear) God's voice often. But about two years ago, in a dark moment in my life, I cried out to God who spoke to me. He said - and I'm not kidding here - he said, "I am not indifferent about you." These were not necessarily warm and fuzzy words. They didn't comfort me all that much, but they did sustain me for a time. As I walked today, I began to express to God that I don't want to hear that he isn't indifferent about me; I want to hear that he loves me.

I know that God loves me. I have experienced his love through my salvation by his grace. He has provided so much to me by way of familial and material blessings. Nonetheless, I've have been thinking for some time that I really need God to tell me that he loves me.

All too often, I ask Vanessa if she loves and why. I am pretty sure it annoys her. I don't think I ask God this much because I don't want to annoy him. But today, I asked. Repeatedly while I walked. I could feel my pace picking up and my mood changing. "God, tell me you love. Why won't you tell me you love me?"

It was about that time that the trail ended and the paved path began.



I had a really hard time talking to God while I walked the three miles or so on the paved path. My mind wandered and my thoughts turned to all sorts of different aspects of my day. I kept having to remind myself to talk to God, and all I could muster was "God, tell me that you love me."

He didn't.

But I feel kind of hopeful that he will.

Eventually, the paved path led back into the main part of Lake Fayetteville Park, and I began to see a lot more people. People were walking and biking and boating on the beautiful lake. My company's softball team was even playing on one of the fields in the park.



People. Vintage - the path that God has marked for me to walk - is about people. The cross - that lets me know that God is walking with me - is about people. God's love - in me and through me and to me - is about people.

And I suppose that this reminder was well worth a long walk.

The Daily Audio Bible

Since the beginning of the new year, I have been listening each day to the Bible being read through the Daily Audio Bible podcast (available through itunes).

Just like with anything, I am sure that the style and voice of Brian Hardin who does the reading won't connect with everyone. But it sure has connected with me. Each day, Brian reads from the Old and New Testaments, the Psalms and wisdom literature. He offers just a bit of commentary and personal reflection and prays. Plus he includes calls and prayer requests from other listeners. I am trying hard not to use all sorts of Christianese when I say it, but this podcast has been a real encouragement and blessing to me.

And it has fueled my fascination with the Bible in general and Israel's history in particular. Just today, I was left shaking my head at the story in Judges of Israel's civil war and the tribe of Benjamin's near extinction. It was eerily reminiscent of Sodom and Gomorrah but with tragic results for Israel. If anyone is thinking of spending more time in the Bible, I'd sure recommend this resource.