Friday, November 18, 2005

The Temple of Jesus Junk

I work at The Temple of Jesus Junk. I sell people Christianized things that they don't really need and probably don't have the money for. In our store manual, we have a page about how to impulse someone into buying $5.00 items by the register. At the top of the page it says, "It's All About Him." Somedays I feel conflicted about hawking our "holy hardware," as Kathy, one of my coworkers. calls it.

Today was one of those days.

We got a huge shipment in today of Christmas items. The majority of it was Christmas candy that people would buy as gifts for the holidays. I was assigned the job of getting as much of it as I could out onto the sales floor. As I was loading up the table, I could not believe what I was seeing - well, yes I could believe it.

There before me - much stamped with some Bible verse or another - was a wide assortment of candies, nuts, and trail mixes. They were all specially packaged for Christmas and for consumption by fat, happy American Christians. I thought of putting a display of What Would Jesus Eat books next to them.

Peace on Earth Almond Cookies with Almond Tea, in a decorative dove-shaped box.
Messiah Chocolates - in varieties from Immanuel Dark Chocolate to Hosanna Crunch.
Heart and Soul Chocolate samplers.
Navity Scene Lollipops.
Angel-shaped boxes full of sugar cookies.

I couldn't stop thinking of possible slogans. "Take a bite out of baby Jesus." "He's never been sweeter." "Sinful ... but Forgiven."

And then there was the trail mixes. "Joy" and "Noel" they said on the packaging. But I am not sure how much celebrating I could do paying $8.00 for 4 ounces of trail mix that was probably packaged by an Indian kid making a dime a day back in June. If there was manna in the trail mix, maybe.

Jesus died on the cross so we could eat Christian trail mix?

Here's the scariest part of all. There will be people - a lot of them - who will beam at the register while they are buying their baptized goodies, thinking that they are about to eat the most godly chocolate of their lives. And I will say, "Would you like one of our $5.00 members only items along with that?"


klasieprof said...

This Crap goes right along with all that Thomas Kincaid Sh*t. Come on ..Jesus on a Candle to take away stinK? what is UP with that???

ANd JESUS "robes"????

Courtney said...

man, I don't know why the world doesn't want Jesus now that he's chocolate covered? I mean, that's all you need to help your broken marriage, your drug addiction, your heartbreak and despair. we really DO have the answers. Aren't we clever? crap, utter crap, let's put it right next to the manual for our special Christianeese language that we use when we don't want anyone to understand us

Josh P said...

I think I'll let Eric P read this one, just so that I can enjoy a good ten minute rant hahaha

Robb said...

Hey Josh. Give Eric my love.